I have had the privilege to travel to 25 plus nations as part of my ministry experience. I am fascinated by cultures, manners and customs. One of the greatest challenges in the social interaction is in the understanding of the worldviews that are prevalent in any culture. I love sitting in airports just observing people coming and going, cherishing conversations with people that are very different from my cultural orientation.
Some years ago my wife and I had the privilege of serving as missionaries in Swaziland, Africa. My primary ministry focus was leadership training. Not long after settling into African life, I began meeting Christian leaders and attending as many events as possible. While visiting my first pastor’s conference, I experienced a delightful cultural learning opportunity.
I arrived at the plenary conference session late and seated myself in the back row by the door. I listened very carefully to the speaker. I was anxious to be an “incarnate missionary” though I did not know what that meant yet. I was endeavoring to learn the language to be more effective in my interactions with others. I was straining at getting the drift of the teaching being spoken in the SiSwati language. After a few minutes the speaker whispered to one of the other pastors on the front row. The man on the front row took his place on the platform and began interpreting into English what was said in SiSwati. It was then that I was introduced and warmly welcomed to the gathering by the speaker. I felt very honored being that I was the only non-African in the room. I felt very privileged to even be there. That day, I was in the midst of some of the kindest and most gracious people I had ever met.
During the lunch break I stood in line patiently waiting to eat my meal with the rest of the pastors gathered. There was an elderly, gentle, man standing in line in front of me who turned around to speak to me. He began the one sided conversation by informing me of how to address people with proper protocol in Swazi culture. I thought this interesting since I made no reference to wanting this instruction. I chose to listen intently because I really did want to learn the culture and hear the wisdom of this seasoned man.
He explained to me that if I had something of serious importance to say to another Swazi man that I needed to follow the following protocol. 1) Go to the persons home, make yourself comfortable and have conversation with them but do not say anything about what you came to discuss. I thought this odd since I am use to direct conversation, like any forward American. 2) Come back for another visit in a couple of weeks; repeating the same steps, still not bringing up the subject in conversation you came to talk about. 3) Come back again some weeks later and only then hint at what you wanted to talk about. Eventually you are able to address the original issues that prompted the initial discussion pursuit. Eventually I would be able to talk about what I wanted to talk about in the first place.
I remember thinking to myself…what a waste of time and energy, especially since I could have taken care of this on the first visit or even made a phone call. (Well, maybe not a phone call - the phones often were not in working order because of the high lightening activity. More than once I had to climb the telephone pole outside our home to fix my own phone.)
As this important instruction that came from my new friend, he then made a statement that I will never forget. “We Africans value people more than tasks.” I was momentarily stunned and certainly caught off guard by what he said. At the time I would have said that I too valued people more than tasks but have learned that is not always the case with many westerners including me. You see, that thoughtful, humble, pastor was instructing me, another fellow minister trying to find his way, in this new culture. This conversation would likely be one of the most valuable interactions I would ever have regarding building relationships.
Another lesson learned in Swazi culture was the personal introduction in meeting people. When a person met up with someone else along the roadside trail, bus depot, at a conference or anywhere else, they would shake hands. They used the left hand to grasp the other person’s hand while lightly holding their right elbow. The hand now holding the other person’s hand would remain clasped. Often there was little “personal space” between the two people.
Now, me being the redneck son of a logger, I struggled with this concept of men holding men’s hands while having conversation or for any other reason for that matter. (By the way, my neck color is more of a faded pink these days.) I have come a long way. I learned the reason for holding hands was that it communicated heartfelt engagement in conversations. When visiting with Africans the person I was speaking with rarely distracted me. They would not be looking ten other directions avoiding my eyes or simply not being present in their presence.
Though this manner of communication was once again very foreign and uncomfortable to me, the Swazi men used to thoroughly enjoy making me uncomfortable and squirm while holding hands with me. This was all about the communication of fondness and concern expressing itself differently than I was used to. I did finally become accustomed to this manner of communication and value it even today.
Not long ago our church elder team had a meeting where we ordered in a catered meal. It was going to be a long night of making eternal and not eternal kingdom decisions. I was standing in line at the food table, again with ministers, only this time I was in Alaska, USA. One of our elders walked in to join the feeding frenzy. He walked up to me while I was standing in the line. I reached out my hand to shake his. He then did something I was not used to…. He pulled me close and hugged me and then remained in the embrace for what seemed like a long time. I again wanted to draw back and then while I was pondering his unprecedented action by my friend I realized what this was about. You see my fellow elder, friend, motorcycle riding partner and minister of the Gospel, was in the middle of a battle with cancer. He was honestly not sure he would be here on this earth much longer. The typical male, “two pat” and slap on the back was not going to communicate what was in his heart. His action said to me that our relationship was more important than the agenda that night that we were so intently setting our focus and conversation on.
Since that encounter, I have come to refer to the “two pat” greeting. I make fun of it now and in fact, I find myself holding hands a lot longer in greetings and more importantly hugging instead - even if it makes the other person more uncomfortable. I now secretly enjoy making other men un-comfortable and squirm in their manliness.
The definition for humility is “possessing a modest or low view of one’s own importance.” Humility is bearing the mark of caring, it is about placing yourself in someone else’s shoes. It’s about putting your preferences in the background and valuing people more than tasks. It’s about being concerned more for and about someone else than your agenda or list of tasks. It’s about honoring cultures; not just tolerating one another in our manners and customs but, more importantly, learning to value and even embracing one another. After all, did God not create us distinctly and wonderfully? Did Jesus not pray that we would be one as He and the Father are one? How is that possible without cherishing and embracing our distinct differences? Unity and community is God’s plan but it cannot be accomplished without humility - yours and mine.
There is no unity without humility!
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